I’ve finally worked out why the bathroom is so important to women – it’s their version of the shed. It’s where they keep all their stuff, where they go to play and experiment and tool about with all kinds of interesting toys and potions.
Whereas for most guys, with the exception your nu-breed metrosexual, that little tiled closet is a place for the perfunctory – a waystation for daily ablutions and occasionally a makeshift library when we’ve got some big issues to work through. But if we change our perceptions, if we look at it like a dude lab of sorts, we might enjoy it on the same level you females do. Which means we’ll need gadgets, lots of gadgets.
Electric shavers
What did we do before Garry Gilette Jr. invented the electric razor? Used badger-hair brushes and shaving oil and a plastic-handled razor like a 1920s pleb, that’s what. No thanks. Why schlep when you can wield a mighty electric three-headed rotating beard-saw and be done in half the time it takes to hack away at your face with a disposable pen-knife?
GHDs
Let me be the first to say, I don’t know what GHD means. And I’ve never, y’know, used one or anything. Ahem. But some friends of mine use them, and no, I can’t tell you their names because I’m making them up. But look, if you imagine you’re holding a small burning sword, it’s actually pretty cool, right guys? (Anyone? Bueller?) And hey, it gets rid of curls, and who likes curls? Lunatics and Frenchmen, that’s who.
Hair clippers
While I’ve got a rough melon with way too many scars to ever shave my head again, I appreciate the versatility of these bad boys. Want to give yourself a Number 2, or a sick undercut, maybe a step? Attach the right module, fire this guy up and you’re away. Also good for styling goatees or a pencil-thin douchebeard.
Ear & nose trimmer
Now, I have no need for this shameful little device. But the day will come – oh yes my friends, the day will come – when I’m a fat balding middle-aged loser and my daughter will say something like “Eww Dad gross, sort that ish out” and she’ll be talking about my unsightly nose and ear hair, and I’ll whip out my tiny trimmer and take care of business and the clipped hairs will float down to the carpet where the cat will lick them up. I’m actually kind of looking forward to it.
Does your man use any of these grooming gadgets? Is your beauty cabinet your ‘tool shed’?
By Benjamin Barnett
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