Hey, you with the testicles. Over here. How good are you at being a guy? Pretty good? I mean, it’s not like it’s hard, right – chuck on a t-shirt and you’re halfway there. Being a dude is super easy, but sometimes we’re reeeeally good at douching it up. Are you (or is your man) guilty of making one of these grooming faux pas?
1. Shaping/Plucking Your Eyebrows
A little tidy-up can’t hurt, right? Wrong, hotshot. Dead wrong. Because, you see, people notice. You think they don’t, but they do. It’s impossible not to, and it makes you look weird and kind of surprised all the time. The only men allowed to shape their eyebrows are A) transvestites, B) magicians and C) Frida Kahlo.
2. Guyliner
Are you Johnny Depp, a pirate, or Johnny Depp playing a pirate? No? Then quit it.
3. Flavour Saver AKA Soul Patch
I am eminently qualified to comment on this one because I sported one of these bad boys for almost a decade. It was long, stringy, and I loved it like a puppy. And nobody told me how ridiculous it was until I got rid of it. Looking at photos from my 20s makes my spleen ache. [Embarrassing evidence below]
4. Straightening Your Hair
I did this one too. In fact, I’ve still got the GHD floating around in the bathroom somewhere. Somehow I convinced myself that a feathered fringe and a plunging V-neck made me hell on wheels, when really I looked like an androgynous man-child off for a cucumber facial. You know how many girls want to sleep with that kind of guy? One. And she was drunk, cross-eyed and emotionally vulnerable.
5. The Douche Beard
Don’t pretend like you don’t know what this one is. You know. It’s that pencil-thin line of facial hair that runs from ear to ear and looks like a licorice chin-strap. This is never acceptable, not even on men who wear berets and play the saxophone. Not even Craig David can pull the douche beard off. Think Turtle from Entourage. Yeah.
6. Waxing
Men were not put on this earth to look like baby seals. Body hair is a sign of virility and gives women something to grab onto during heady bouts of afternoon lovemaking. Grow it thick and glossy and coarse as a lumberjack – there’s no defence whatsoever for popping down the salon for a manzilian or a back, crack & sack wax. Oh, what’s that? You’re a cyclist and/or a swimmer? Ugh, you’re the worst of all. Sack up you big pansies, go play a real sport and leave your body hair alone.
7. Nail Polish
Thanks, Jared Leto. No, really – thanks. Not just for your music (which is crotch-stabbingly awful) but for trying to show dudes that it’s okay to rock nail polish when it blatantly isn’t. If rock stars can’t pull it off, why does anyone else think they can?
Does your man do any of the above? Do you agree with these male grooming no nos?
