We’ve heard your cries for more realistic sex positions.
So here they are.
Real sex positions. Modeled by real people.
Completely unretouched.
Arms-Straight Missionary
Arms-Straight Missionary He straightens his arms for more powerful thrusting.
Arms-Bent Missionary
Arms-Bent Missionary Your stomachs make awkward, sweaty, farting noises as they rub together.
Starfish Missionary
Starfish Missionary Lie on your back with your arms and legs spread out like, well, a starfish.
Reverse-Starfish Missionary
Reverse-Starfish Missionary Put your legs together while *he* starfishes on top of *you*.
Shirts-No-Pants Missionary
Shirts-No-Pants Missionary You both keep your tops on because neither of you really feels like being shirtless right now.
Hand-on-Boob Missionary
Hand-on-Boob Missionary Have your guy transfer his weight to one hand while he gently cups your breast with his other hand. Nice.
Socks-On Missionary
Socks-On Missionary Because his feet get cold.
Mall-Photo-Studio Missionary
Mall-Photo-Studio Missionary Assume matching Sears Portrait Studio poses. Smile!
Under-the-Covers Missionary
Under-the-Covers Missionary If the blanket were a person, this would totally be a three-way.
On-Top-of-the-Covers Missionary
On-Top-of-the-Covers Missionary Because you just put clean sheets on the bed.
On-Top-of-the-Covers Missionary
On-Top-of-the-Covers Missionary Because you just put clean sheets on the bed.
Beside-the-Covers Missionary
Beside-the-Covers Missionary Because you haven’t made the bed in days.
Lights-Off Missionary
Lights-Off Missionary Turn off light. Commence with awkward fondling.
Jazz-Hands Missionary
Jazz-Hands Missionary Spice things up with SpIrIt FiNgErS
Angry Missionary
Angry Missionary Accuse him of not being committed to the relationship and then bring up those dirty dishes still in the sink from yesterday.
Make-Up Missionary
Make-Up Missionary You both say you’re sorry and hug each other.
Too-Tired-to-Finish Missionary
Too-Tired-to-Finish Missionary Halfway through, he falls asleep. You try to push him off you, but he’s too heavy. You give up and wait for him to roll over on his own. You wonder if that crack in the ceiling was always there or if it’s something to be concerned about.
Intense-Connection Missionary
Intense-Connection Missionary Holding handsandeye contact. At. The. Same. Time.
No-Connection Missionary
No-Connection Missionary No eye contact. No hand-holding. Just gettin’ it done. 30 seconds max.
Nice-to-Meet-You Missionary
Nice-to-Meet-You Missionary Pretend you are meeting for the first time. Say hello. Shake hands. Pretend nothing is going on downstairs.
Hands-in-His-Hair Missionary
Hands-in-His-Hair Missionary You run your hands through his hair and wonder, *Why does he need all this product when his hair is literally half an inch long*?
Hand-on-Your-Hair Missionary
Hand-on-Your-Hair Missionary He loses his balance and puts his hand on your hair to stop from head-butting you. You scream anyway and wonder if head-butting wouldn’t have been preferable.
He-Pulls-Your-Hair Missionary
He-Pulls-Your-Hair Missionary Because you enjoyed it so much when it was an accident.
Top-Knot Missionary
Top-Knot Missionary It’s not as sexy. but at least your hair isn’t stuck in your lip balm.
His-Shoes-On Missionary
His-Shoes-On Missionary He leaves his shoes on and you spend the whole time thinking about how much you wish he had taken them off. This is a brand new bed spread, goddamn it!
Your-Shoes-On Missionary
**Your-Shoes-On Missionary** You lie there wondering how you missed the shoe-removal window and he didn’t.
Both-Shoes-On Missionary
Both-Shoes-On Missionary You’ve both got your shoes on, so it’s OK, but you try to keep your feet off the bed all the same.
Flipper Missionary
Flipper Missionary Spice things up. Put on flippers. See if he notices.
Knees-Up Missionary
Knees-Up Missionary You lift your knees to make it easier on him.
Leg-Wrap Missionary
Leg-Wrap Missionary He gets excited so you wrap your legs around him for what turns out to be the last 15 seconds.
Baseball-Cap Missionary
Baseball-Cap Missionary He wears his baseball cap while you lie there.
Selfie Missionary
Selfie Missionary Document your love-making with a phone pic. Crop in close and share it on Instagram with a winking-face emoticon as the only caption.
Hold-On-I-Got-a-Text Missionary
Hold-On-I-Got-a-Text Missionary He barely notices. Doesn’t stop.
Just-Let-Me-Respond-to-This-Email Missionary
Just-Let-Me-Respond-to-This-Email Missionary Full stop. This is super important. It’s work. He’ll be back in a sec.
Neck-Kiss Missionary
Neck-Kiss Missionary The neck is an erogenous zone. He talked to someone who read that somewhere once.
This-Is-Nice Missionary
This-Is-Nice Missionary He holds you. You hold him. It’s nice.
Sex-Toy Missionary
Sex-Toy Missionary You bought a sex toy. That’s enough. One step at a time.
Hands-on-His-Butt Missionary
Hands-on-His-Butt Missionary Maybe a little back door action? Whoa! Maybe not.
I-Got-a-Cramp Missionary
I-Got-a-Cramp Missionary You say you’ve got a cramp and he asks if you are OK, but doesn’t stop.
Hipster Missionary
Hipster Missionary Glasseson!
Forehead-Kiss Missionary
Forehead-Kiss Missionary You let him know he’s doing a good job by gently kissing his forehead. He gets confused, but keeps going.
Pillow-Under-Your-Butt Missionary
Pillow-Under-Your-Butt Missionary Stick a pillow or a folded-up blanket under your butt, and pretend you’ve just done something really wild and out of the box.
Reverse-Table Missionary
Reverse-Table Missionary Stick your arms and legs straight up and hold them there.
Drunk Missionary
Drunk Missionary Drink a lot of booze first.
Hungover Missionary
Hungover Missionary He is hungover and pukes in a bucket. Keeps going.
Hand-Held-Over-Head missionary
Hand-Held-Over-Head missionary Because he caught you readingFifty Shades of Greyand this is as close as it’s going to get.
Plank Missionary
Plank Missionary You engage your core and lie perfectly still. This is what you did all those crunches for!
His-Feet-Up Missionary
His-Feet-Up Missionary He pushes off with his knees and flexes his feet when he’s close for an even more powerful orgasm.
Sunday-Night-HBO Missionary
Sunday-Night-HBO Missionary WatchTrue BloodorGame of Thronesand try to finish in the same amount of time it takes the characters.
Caress-His-Face-While-He-Tries-to-Focus-on-Finishing-Already Missionary
Caress-His-Face-While-He-Tries-to-Focus-on-Finishing-Already Missionary He looks stressed, so you reach up and touch his face because you want him to connect with you. He’s so close. He just needs to focus, he says. It will be over soon. For him anyway.
That was hilarious! The people posing must have had a tough time keeping straight faces!
very humorous
Nice moves! lol At least I had a chuckle.
Looks like beauty heaven has a sense of humour
Not sure how I found this article, ‘coz clearly it’s not new, but OMG I’m glad I did—it totally cracked me up. Thanks for the giggle BH.